May those who love us, love us;
and those who don't love us,
may God turn their hearts;
and if He doesn't turn their hearts,
may he turn their ankles
so we'll know them by their limping.
- Irish Blessing

I must admit that I have spent considerable life force - as so many of us have - reaching eagerly for the love of those around me. Nevertheless, I can't say that I relate to this blessing as it applies to others. I find that the love that matters most is not that which we receive. It is the love that we give that later comes back to us. And that love we give is what is reflected in the number of hearts that turn our way.

And, paradoxically, many times it is the love and tenderness we give unto ourselves that is most medicinal over time.

Only a few days ago I stumbled upon a strange turn of events (puns intended). The week began with a trip on the stairs and turned left ankle that left me with a small limp. Luckily, I yielded to the fall; thus, the injury was minor and discomfort passed rather quickly. Oddly, it was less than 16 hours later that I fell again - this time not so gracefully. My right ankle was rocked to the core - a severe sprain that left my skin purple and swollen. For three days I have been resting, icing, compressing, and elevating. Only yesterday was I able to put pressure on my right foot...today a limp is the evidence that lingers.

When I read the Irish Blessing above, I couldn't help but smile. The blessing has been in turning my attention to my own heart... and the limp is helping me to see better how often I turn away from that which nurtures me and the direction I wish to move in.

In my life experience - and in my professional life - I have seen again and again how the body acts as a metaphor. After discovering this through my own personal experience, I stumbled upon teachers such as Louise Hay (and her epic book Heal Your Body, Heal Your Life). The joints of the body are all about mobility... and the ability to move forward. They are about flow and right direction, if you will. And so this week I take stock of my choices and how they align with the direction of my dreams. And I am grateful for the message my body sends me.

BTW, here is my edited version of the old Irish Blessing

May I be at one with the Flow of Divine Love
and when I am not,
may the Beloved turn my heart towards It once again;
and if It doesn't succeed in turning my heart,
may It sweep my feet in Its direction
and I'll remember Love by my limping.

- Irish Blessing [edited]

To be in harmony with the Oneness of things is
to be without anxiety about imperfection.
Zen Master Dogen

I have been thinking a lot about body conditioning. You might think that I am referring to the many actions that we take to bring the physical body to its optimal state of performance. No, today I speak of something closer to my heart. I am in awe of our cultural conditioning and our conditional acceptance of the body as whole, functional, and perfect.

Last night, I stood in front of the mirror and witnessed my ego lash out venemously at my body. All in all, the winter months have been very good to me. I have a beautiful and cozy new home, a loving relationship of renewed balance, and a feeling of contentment I have never known. And, I have gained 10-15 pounds.

Our new home has only a very small mirror in the upstairs bathroom where I shower and primp each day. As a result, I rarely see my full reflection naked. I have certainly noticed the shift in my activity level (a common cycle for me in the cold months, while also a function of some professional shifts). My clothes fit differently, for sure. But I was, nevertheless, a bit shocked when I stood on the bed to catch a glimpse of my new fullness in the mirror above my dresser. Now I don't mean to place value judgments. The truth is, I really do see beauty in many different body shapes and sizes in women all around me. So why is it that the ruler against which I measure myself is so different?!

In 2001, I was miserable in my body. I had been managing a restaurant 60 hours a week for far too long. I was eating poorly, and had little to no physical stamina. I was fed up, and hungry in the spirit. I left my job and moved to Boulder, Colorado. It was there that I stepped into my first Nia class. I was completely hooked from the get-go. For over a year, I did Nia every single day. I couldn't move enough. I obtained my white belt, began teaching, and soon added regular qigong and yoga practice to the mix. I was suddenly addicted to movement and the flow of chi through my body. I was a physical machine.

Naturally, my body changed dramatically. At the height of this athletic phase in my development my body was thin, taunt, and very strong. While this may have been my initial aim, I was oddly unaffected by it. I just wanted to move, plain and simple. The new shape my movement took was just a convenient by-product. I took it completely for granted. It was easy to rarely think about it given that the conditions for my conditional body-love were more ideal at that time than they had every been. My body condition was such that, most of the time, I could conditionally accept it. No problem.

It wasn't until I moved to Oregon that everything changed. Over the past 4 years, life conditions have gradually led to less to less movement. As the Coach in me has become more activated, the Athlete has grown disinterested. For months upon months, I forced myself to teach Nia, even though I feel in my heart I have outgrown it as a teaching practice. In mid-December of 2007, I finally left my regular teaching practice.

In the summer of 2006, when the hoop entered my life, I experienced another burst of the physical. I rode the wave of newness and performance for a time, yet the hooping world - full of amazing individuals whom I love! - is, quite simply, a unique culture that I don't always resonate with as a lifestyle. I have yet to fully find my place in it outside of the classroom. Teaching Hoopdance has given me a new vehicle to explore via the body, yet still, I am called to do it less and less over time.

I am coming to accept that I am teacher above all else. My mediums are likely to shift and change throughout my life, that this I must allow. And so, my body condition has changed with the seasons of my heart.

Ironically, at this new weight, I am more grounded and stable than ever. Eating meat and honoring my body's natural rhythms (no longer pushing it to its edge every day) has been the greatest act of self-love. It has occurred to me that perhaps my ego's ideal body shape is not that which my body and spirit responds to best. At least at this moment in time. And my heart - the mediator between body and mind - is meant to foster the unity of self-acceptance.

I want to reiterate the recommended reading for July 2007, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. I am revisiting it now. It is a beautifully-crafted book that teaches us how to embrace each moment in time with love and gratitude. Read it again and again.

May your most important body condition be acceptance.
Namaste.

Since mid-June, I have shared so much on my blog regarding my recent path of healing. And in the last few weeks have I taken some time to journey inward without you all as a witness.

I suppose much of my absence was sparked by a recent healing session with Kyle Cline. In addition to his skill in Chinese Medicine, he offers a powerful receptivity as a counselor and healer. Our session, on that day in early August, delivered to me many insights. During a traditional Chi Nei Tsang (organ massage) treatment, he invite me to dialogue with my organs one at a time. At first - as we moved from organ to organ - I heard only my skeptic brain firing away with doubt... yet in the space that grew around it, I finally became empty enough to hear.

It was a message from my heart that stood out. Among other things, it said to me via word and imagery: "My skin and the skin of your body are one and the same."

I shared this with Kyle after my treatment. He said it reminded him of the saying... "you wear your heart on your sleeve." I was struck by this parallel, as these words have been spoken to me on more than one occasion in my life. Ever since then, I have been pondering this aspect of how I have navigated my emotions in recent years. Ironically, I have spent the last decade of my life undoing the tendency to hide what I was feeling behind a facade that lasted through my early-twenties. I carried a thick membrane of protection - a buffer around me - to keep the world out... and me in! Since I began shedding the skin of days old, I have become more vulnerable and have developed the courage to share what is in my heart with greater ease. Yet it seems that I may have pushed my heart to far to the surface, it could use a bit more of a buffer between it and the conditions that surround.

The skin of the body IS our most largest and most vulnerable organ. It stands in the face of any number of elements that can scathe, penetrate, or scar upon contact. In some cases, trauma to the skin leaves a scar behind that stands as a testament to the pain for a lifetime. What is it to say that my heart feels a similar vastness and vulnerability?

For me, it is to say that I am discovering the power and freedom of the feminine as a blessing that must be honored as sacred.

So much has shifted in recent weeks, since I have last opened the door to my heart so publicly. I fearlessly allowed you all to bear witness as my most intimate relationship carried me through a tempest of change. Over the past month, the winds of emotion have calmed, and I have accepted an opportunity to grow and evolve in relationship with another who is willing to do the same.

The potency of this moment in my life is palpable. I rode the pendulum - at times holding on for dear life, or so it seemed - as it swung me from stark-naked open heartedness to the matter-of-factedness of survival mode. Somehow, I have found my way to the middle. I am being invited to embrace my Feminine power and love myself enough to face the reflections of love in my life.

My heart is finding its way in the world. It is not popular to live with an open-heart in a society that tells us we are weak to live alongside vulnerability. Nevertheless, I desire to become intimate with love as it reveals itself to me and through me... the shedding of old skin making way for more brilliant layers to shine through.

Today was the first day of Daniel's Taiji/Qigong series here at thePortal. It was such a joy for me to see him - my soul partner and day-to-day companion - sharing his brilliance with us. His teaching style is so different from my own, offering me an avenue to grow and observe a new way of facilitation that I have much to learn from.

It has been over three years since I studied an energy art. There was a time when I practiced qigong daily... and I had a reservoir of power inside of me that supported me in all else. It was an ideal combination. I didn't realize at the time that my Nia practice was rooted by my study of martial arts and inner traditions.

Even when I walked away from my energy practice, the power that I had cultivated stayed with me for a good year or so before I noticed a slowly developing shift in my way of being. Suddenly, I suffered from a paradox of desire. I yearned for stillness more and more; yet my body craved movement when it went without. The dancer in me waged a war with the subtle intelligence of my spirit that said something about what I was doing was not grounded and nurturing to my longevity. I did what I could to bring the purity of the principles and foundations of all that I had learned into my Nia practice... and was successful in some regards. Nevertheless, an emptiness still began to develop within. Most notably, my roots became noticeably more shallow over time. I lost center more often... and my mind began to reign over my reality again, returned to something resembling its once unbroken state.

I managed all of these things using the tools I developed in my path through Nia - the principles and practice of my belts offered me numerous tactics to work with these shifts. Nevertheless, it seems that having too many tools to call upon can easily become a liability.

I did my best and became very strong in Nia as a lifestyle practice. And when my body continued to send me these mixed energetic messages, I ignored them. That is, until I ended up in the emergency room.

Suddenly, I was forced to listen to the emptiness of my well. It echoed with hunger. And so, I must fill it once more. Hence, my choice to reintroducing the potency and richness of Qigong back into my life. And as if by divine intervention, I have been simultaneously paired with a partner who is wealthy in the ways of abundant waters.

One of the things that I have learned from observing Daniel (I say observing as his way of teaching is in his way of being and is much less overt than my own) is his ability to take a vast amount knowledge and distill it down to the wisdom at its very core. I realize after taking class with him today that this comes from his years of experience with the eastern arts... this is at the heart of these traditions that go back before modern man measured time and compared truths.

As an example: Today during class, I asked a simple question regarding hand placement in a movement that we were doing as a group. I said something to the effect of, "should my palm always be up when doing such and such?"

"Never always," he said. (His response, in two words, said more than I often say in a three-minute monologue.) From there, he came over... redirected my movement... and no more was needed.

Never Always.

Today I was reminded how the purest truths come in small packages.
In the same way Qigong reminds me that powerful changes come in subtle shifts. If you have ever practiced, held a seemingly simple posture, and noticed the heat generated in the body, you know exactly what I mean.

It is my dream to one day develop a practice that brings together my love of dance/movement as metaphor, subtle truths, and energy alchemy together as one. That is the intention of SHiNE BODY. May this blog help to reveal more of how that shall come to be. In the meantime, may we all find ways to fill ourselves so that the waters in our wells flow abundant and free.