In recent months, I have been swimming in paradox. It's been a peaceful ride through drastic changes in my day-to-day life. A relationship that brought me closer to my fears in order to overcome them has ended. Our parting was filled with compassion and truth, and left me with a sense of completion and wonder. More love than ever, in this case, means letting go.

Another move (the third in 2008!) across town into a solitary existence for the first time in years has been challenging. Add to that, an epic realization that I am no longer the impassioned movement teacher who moved to Portland five years ago. The teacher in me lives on; however, I am no longer drawn to what I once taught. My relationship with Nia has taken me to where I am today and will always be a part of me... but I no longer have the same urge to teach. Teaching hooping has been a joyous journey of learning and connection... yet the business must continue to evolve with me behind the scenes. I am all at once devastated and relieved to be admitting to what I have known for over a year now. I am transforming into a new kind of teacher... and apparently, what exactly this looks like will not reveal itself until I let go of all that I know.

In a final attempt to revive what-once-was, I taught a couple of events this past month. What happened as a result is not unfamiliar to me... it's an experience I have had in the past when I hold on to a reality when it is no longer serving my highest good. It seems to be my spirit's way of speaking to me when I am not listening.

In this instance, it was a moment of teaching... sensing my body, sharing the experience, weaving cues together in new ways and old, as I have for the past seven years... I felt a part of myself (a part that I identify as my spirit, the witness within) begin to rise up just above my body. It feels similar to some out-of-body experiences that I have read about... only without the woo-woo magic and with a lot more fear! I become immersed in the witness and its vantage point, all the while, I am teaching the class on auto-pilot - without missing a beat. The words flow out, the students respond, and I am suspended slightly above, observing it all. Re-reading this it sounds entirely too mystical... when in actuality, it's far from warm and fuzzy. When it is happening, I feel a surge of anxiety that borders on panic. My sensory perception becomes so heightened that it is almost painful to take it all in... everything amplified - sounds, light, my own emotion. It's like a threshold that I can contain only for so long without going mad. Usually with body awareness, I can recover center once more within a second or two. Anyway, when I tap into this hovering aspect of myself, it always delivers the same message in the end. Something like: I don't want to do this anymore. I've done all I can here. Set me free.

Later, once in-body and out-of-class, I fight back with reason. Come on now! We have invested so much time and energy here. (and yes, it's a "we"). We are good at this and we should keep doing it! This argument is my ego's attempt to reign my spirit in... to get it to sign on for an agenda that is safe and secure. Only, it's not. My spirit plays the trump card when it lifts me out of body. My rational mind is silenced. There is no "reason" for what I am experiencing... and nothing about it feels like what my ego calls "safety."

I was reflecting on this to a dear friend in a moment of sorrow. I told her about a moment of rising above myself teaching on auto-pilot. And the sense of emptiness that I felt while teaching what used to fill my heart with passion. I voiced my frustration and self-judgement ... WHY are things always changing? Why can't I just be great at something and then do it again and again, fulfilled by the service I am offering? Why the need to re-invent myself? Why I am rejecting the status quo yet again? Am I just an ego-maniac looking for a fix that I will never find?!

I could almost feel her smiling on the other end. Then, in a sage moment, she responded and struck a chord of truth that I desperately needed strumming. ... Candice, you are a creator and a seeker. You will never be satisfied doing anything once it becomes auto-pilot. You are just not wired that way. You will always transform and change beyond it because it is in your nature to do so.

Uh, yeah.
It is undeniable and true.

Thanks, Sylvia.

And so, I yield.
I let go, again.

This must be what it feels like to be the dust speck on Horton Hears A Who... floating about in the air, hopeful that some force much larger and unseen will carry it to safety. In a way, I guess it is the SHiNE message at work through me... as we all feel that way from time-to-time, especially when we answer the call from within. In the words of Horton, may we remember: "let that be a lesson to one and to all; a person is a person, no matter how small."

And might I add..
Whomever, however, wherever you might be.
The heart of your SHiNE has the right to be free.

Be you. Embrace who you are to keep the light on.

When I woke, I told Daniel (my partner in home and life) what I had just experienced. He listened intently, as he does so well. Then he added with surprise that we had dreamed the same! He had just woken from a dream where I had stepped in a campfire! He was yelling to me to pull my foot out quickly. In his dream, my pant leg had caught fire. He was concerned for my safety.

It was as if he penetrated my own dream world to be the man who cautioned me; as he was simultaneously receiving the same message. And interesting that in his dream the fire was burning hot. In my waking world, he is often urging me to slow down and sees fires burning wild in me when I am not fully aware. I am grateful to him as a witness.

In that same dream, I was running around the campsite holding a very small and sweet turtle in my hand. It was so small that I could hold it with my thumb and forefingers. I had been told to represent the turtle in a fight against another animal who was much bigger and faster. I remember feeling anxiety that this kind, slow-moving creature would be placed up against such a senseless challenge. I was struck by its continual pleas for help... as it would stretch out its head and cry out before retreating again and again into its shell for protection. I telepathically urged it to stay inside! but it kept crying out for help.

So I say to whatever Dream Guides may be out there... I am heeding your call. The message of the fire delivered through both Daniel and I is undeniably something to be mindful of. And the Medicine of the Turtle fits into this mix perfectly. I am grateful to that little guy in my dream!

TURTLE MEDICINE
http://morningstar.netfirms.com/turtle.html

Affirmation for Turtle Medicine:
"I am open to moving with the waters of life that I may find my true place and fulfillment."

When Turtle appears and for those who carry this medicine, it is also important that we have patience and act only when we feel the time is right for us to do so. Turtles themselves are slow moving and do have slow metabolisms. Yet because of their slow movement they are much more aware of what is going on around them! We can call upon this energy to help become more aware of our own surroundings and thus be better able to grab and act upon opportunities that we might otherwise have missed if we were hurtling along at a more frenetic pace!

Faster is not always better, if one moves too quickly, attention to minor details may be passed over resulting in a loss of opportunity because one was not better prepared or one may fail to notice that an even more fulfilling door was opening. Our world has become so solar, everyone feeling the push to constantly act and do rather than sit and just be and know that from time to time, thats precisely what we need to be doing. Yet as a very wise person once said, "we are Human BE-ings, not Human Do-ings!"

Other things that may be important for you when Turtle appears :
- A successful completion of one phase leads to a new cycle of opportunity opening for you.
- Greater Success and Recognition for hard work and painstaking effort.
- A sense of willingness to begin anew after a cycle of pain or hardship.
- Feeling more connected with the flow of the Universe or having a sense of your own personal cosmic mission.
- International travel or business success.
- A Change of job or residence, sometimes via a promotion that leads to needing to change one's residence.
- Anything that requires patience, hard work, attention to details or is very long term is wonderful to start at this time.

TURTLE
http://www.geocities.com/tammlynn/turtle.htm

The turtle is a shore creature, using the land and the water. All shore areas are associated with doorways to the Faerie Realm. The turtle is sometimes known as the keeper to the doors. Turtles thus were often seen as signs of fairy contact and the promise of fairy rewards.

 In Nigeria, the turtle was a symbol of the female sex organs and sexuality. To the Native Americans, it was associated with the lunar cycle, menstruation, and the power of the female energies. The markings and sections on some turtles total thirteen. In the lunar calendar, there are either thirteen full moons or thirteen new moons alternating each year. Many believe this is where the association with the female energies originated. Turtle is the symbol of the primal mother.

[Interestingly, I had started my moon in the middle of the night, just prior to having this dream.]

If turtle has shown up in your life, it is time to get connected to your most primal essence. Go within your shell and come out when your ideas are ready to be expressed. It is time to recgonize that there is an abundance out there for you. It doesn't have to be gotten quickly and immediately. Take your time and let the natural flow work for you. Too much, too soon, can upset the balance. Turtle reminds us that we all need for all that we do is available to use, if we approach it in the right manner and time.

I am blessed to be writing this by the warmth of a fire, oceanside in Manzanita (on the Oregon Coast). Daniel's family has a beautiful home right at the water's edge. It's a space that I call the Sanctuary... as it brings me tremendous peace to spend time here. To come here is something I hope to never take for granted. As I type this, Daniel reads me the following quote from a book he is reading, One Song: A New Illuminated Rumi. (We both share a fascination with Sufism and its wisdom.)

Separate from yourself that which separates you from others.
- Bawa Muhaiyaddeen

What a potent message. As I hear the waves crashing out the window at my back, I am reminded that life - by design - is continually renewing itself. My life is a part of Life Itself; and therefore, I am in harmony when attuned to Its natural cycles. The ocean whispers to me, "Let go of all that you know yourself to be in order to pour back into the exhilarating vastness of who you may soon become." I say yes... I am willing to do just that. Perhaps the quote above is a reliable instrument of measure in determining which aspects I might release, and which to embrace and hold as sacred. The sea holds onto nothing. It continually circulates and renews... keeping no wave separate from another.

May I learn to walk in the world with as much grace as the ocean.

Today is my birthday. And I write to give thanks for each and every moment of my life. Yes, even the moments most painful... especially those. Someone in my family who loves me very much recently said, "I wish that I could take all these trials away from you." And for just a moment, I had a glimpse of my life without its current opportunities for growth. Without skipping a beat, I replied, "While I deeply appreciate the sentiment, I welcome my trials... as they make me able to love more in the end."

And that's just what has happened. I am bursting at the seams with an inspired and bountiful sensation of love this morning. Another year has passed... and it was a great year. It was a year that taught me how to love more than I ever knew possible.

I am able to love my friends and family with a new gratitude, as they have each held me so close to their hearts for the past few weeks. Realizing their love for me has helped me to see myself clearly again and again. May each of you know how much your graceful and persistent love is helping to shape me whole again.

I am able to love the dear man who blessed my life with his presence for the past year - to love him even more through the process of letting him go - so that with my blessings he may become the man that he is destined to be in the lives of so many others. May he be a better man having walked with me for a time.

I am able to hold a vaster space of love for my clients - as they pass from light into darkness and into the more luminous light on the other side - for I know what it is to make what is fragmented whole again by holding it to the light of truth. May you catch even a glimpse of the brilliance I know to be yours, and you will sense how the steady gaze of love's mirror works in your life.

And, most importantly, I am able to love myself more. I have learned to rest into my own embrace and welcome the intimacy of self-inquiry and forgiveness. This, thanks to my connection to the one relationship that lifts me highest... that with the Beloved. It is the most treasured love of them all. May I continue to walk in the midst of Your Love... knowing You is knowing that I am loved beyond measure. I commit to no longer keeping my love for You a secret. I commit to fearlessly bringing how You SHiNE Light through me out into the open in the coming year... so that I might inspire others to do the same.

Happy Birthday to me...
Happy Birthday to me....
Happy Birthday Dear Candice
Happy Birthday to me!

(why wait for someone else to do it? after all, I am dear to me too!)

Cimi 8
White Galactic Worldbridger

I Harmonize in order to equalize
Modeling opportunity
I seal the store of Death
With the galactic tone of Integrity
I am guided by the power of Heart

Above is a variation of a tattoo that I wear at my 2nd chakra... as a symbol to remind me of the medicine that I carry in this life. As with all medicine, we must swallow and learn to ingest that which we are meant to share. And such is the path.

It was 2001 when I first learned of my Mayan Signature (the day that I was born according to the mayan calendar). As soon as I read the above poem describing this archetype, I knew that I was onto something. The more I delved into materials, the more I felt that it described my unique experience of life. Cimi 8 was offering me a tangible power that I could use as a quickening in my life's unfolding. I knew immediately that I would apply this symbol to the energetic center that connects me to this world (just below my navel). I chose to ground my purpose into the flesh.

Now that I am walking my path more visibly (through this SHiNE Blog and events to come), I thought I would share my signature with you... including the poem above and the components that make up the lessons that I am here to learn and share.

(You can likewise reflect on your own path by following the links at the bottom of this posting to decode your own signature and learn more about the mayan calendar).

Color: White
Source of Power

WHITE
Purifiers, shine light into darkness, the light of truth.
Will assist in the calibration of others, and grounding.
Truth, clarity, unification, timelessness, order, spirit.*

This is fascinating to me, as I haven't looked at this detail in years. SHiNE, it says. So much of what white is symbolic of speaks to the core of me. At the time that I got my tattoo, I was learning to navigate much of what is described above. I struggled with truth, with clarity... all that. Over the course of the years, Cimi has taught me the liberation that comes from living in the light. Hence, the passionate commitment to brilliance that I share with you and strive to live in my everyday life.

Tone: Galactic
Creative Contribution

GALACTIC
Model Harmonize Integrity
A model for others, & hold high ideals.
Honesty is essential and integrity is a given.
You are very thorough, and a quick expert.*

To me, walking the talk is crucial. Integrity is everything. My life is meant to be a living model for the ideals that I aspire to. So often, I fall short... yet, I will tell you the truth even then. I ask so much of the people that I am in relationship to. It is no wonder that I have such amazing friendships... and that I have yet to find a man and life partner who aspires to such greatness as me. Ah, but I suppose that I have... the Beloved He that I have met walking along my most recent path.

Tribe: Death
Archetypal Essence

DEATH
Equalize, Opportunity, Death
Tranquility and confidence through spiritual strength.
Adept at applying multidimensional solutions.
Transmutation of paradigms, community oriented.*

I remember being on a beach in Playa Del Carmen, not too long after I got my tattoo. A Mayan man passed by me and pointed to my navel exposed. "Death," he said with a smile as he passed by. I was at first quite startled. And then I realized what he meant... the symbol above with the one-eye closed (Cimi) literally means "death." It was then I really knew that bearing such a symbol meant that I must learn to have peace with all the deaths that make up living. And that I must be willing to die a million times over to reveal the ultimate brilliance that is available to be in this life.

Sometimes, I am not even aware of the force of the light of truth that I bring... as it comes through me without invitation. Recently, someone very close to me commented: "I am afraid of the light that you shine on me." I have been thinking... this may be the best description of death that I have ever heard. Death looks with a penetration that can be painful and downright scary! It casts away shadows to reveal the truth (sometimes tucked away in dark corners within) and dissolves them to the light.

It is not me that does this, but the medicine that moves through me. And I have spent my life making peace with it. There have been times when I felt similar fear towards my own inner witness. Yet, in the end, I am so grateful to be able to dissolve who I am into rebirth again... and again... and again... and again...

In truth, I see my path as an ongoing death. Dying in each moment is what living is really all about. Death of the old, invites the new. I challenge myself to celebrate every death, no matter how painful, as it always reveals new light.

Find Out Your Mayan Signature!

A Mayan Signature will give you information about the creative energies that were active on the day that you were born. Consider it a way to decode aspects of your personal brilliance... with much more revealed than in your sun sign. Due to the complexity of the Mayan calendar, there are 260 possible combinations that come together to make up your Mayan Signature. Check it out... I hope it reveals something to you, as it did for me.

Retrieve the poem for your signature:
http://www.tortuga.com/eng/decode/index.php

More info on your signature (like details on your color, tone, and tribe):
http://www.galactichardwarestore.com/signature_intro_decode.htm
(*this site is the source of the above quoted information)

I am on a flight from Atlanta to Denver... on the first leg of a journey back from a family visit. My presence was requested for my gorgeous niece, and her 3rd birthday party - I did a hoop performance and playshop. It was so wonderful, as always, to be with her and my nephew. (I promised myself that I would make every effort to ensure that they would know their aunt, even though I live so far away).

It's a 3 hour flight, and I just woke from a nap. To tell you the truth, I am little spun. Only three times in my life have a had a dream state like this one (and never on a plane!). It is a quality of sleep where I am teetering cautiously at the brink of conscious and subconscious, surfing the waves of thoughts and images in search of which is what.

The Dream:
I am on this very plane, in this very seat, in these very clothes.. on my way to where I go now. I am watching the direct tv screen. A news segment. The story is on making desires a reality (dreams coming true). I am fascinated as the anchorwoman holds up letters from viewers to demonstrate to her audience just how desperate they are for what she is about to offer them... the secret to living the life of their dreams. I quickly become disinterested in the story, as it is a sensationalized take-off of The Secret... but I am awed by the inclusion of a friend's letter among the many to the station... so, I DECIDE to wake up in order to send her an email, to tell her she is on the in-flight news show. So there I am... completely aware that I am dreaming with eyes open. Suddenly, I am in my body again... sleeping. I tell my body it is time to wake-up. Everything cooperates... only I cannot open my eyes. They are unmoving to the point of painful... stuck closed. It aches to try and open them, but I do. They will not budge. Anxiety surges through me, but I coax my emotions back to a center point in order to meet my aim more calmly. Slowly and suddenly, my eyes open. Ah, what relief!

But wait... I look around... I AM in the plane... in this seat, yet I suddenly realize that I am still not yet awake. Again, dreaming with eyes open tells me that I am still sleeping with eyes shut. Replay... I try to open them... again, they will not budge. Finally, they open at the urgency of my will. Again, I look around... and I am STILL asleep... and the cycle repeats for a third time!!

On this third attempt... I finally awaken for real.

When I finally woke, that depth... that prison of eyes wide shut beckoned me to challenge it with sleep again. There was no way that I would re-enter that unrelenting dream state. As l looked around at my environment, I struggled to tell myself that I was indeed awake... I was hesitant to be caught in the illusion again. Only a trip to the bathroom and a bite of food succeeded in convincing me. And now I sit perched on the bridge between this dream and that.

I had a dream almost identical to this months ago, where I woke... and woke... and woke. Finally to awaken to find that I understood what maya is... and the teaching that we are living in a dream in each and every moment. Although in my last dream, one very particular detail was different. Rather than my EYES that would not open... it was my JAW that was locked shut. My voice was that which would free me from the dream state. And today, it was my sight.

What I wake up wondering today is...
When will I really wake up? And what resistance will I face in order to push past that edge?

It is as though my eyes have been closed all along, and I have been waking up over and over ... and over again... to find that I have been dreaming with my eyes open for my entire life. Each new fabrication of reality is a dream... until I wake up to create a new one. Perhaps each time I wake up, the Observer that I am (my spirit) is activated to see more clearly. I have long felt that I am but a witness in the dream that is this world. Certainly, I have gotten tangled in many a drama in my past experience... however, the more that I wake up the more that I see that none of it permeated to the depths of who I really am.

I am the same Observer/Witness/Eyes that I was when I lost my yellow umbrella at kindergarten... when I was spinning around a May Pole in the 4th grade... and when I lost my virginity in high school. I am those age-less eyes that watched all the drama unfold in my heart and mind. And over the course of the years, I have become more and more aware of how many layers there are to this dream of existence. I aim to live from the eyes of this Higher Self, so that retrospect need not always be that which unplugs me from the storyline. And so I know that as I type these words, I am not awake. I know that the dream still has me in it. And I look forward to waking up again and again throughout the course of my life.

Perhaps one day... I will experience the awakening that only a few ever speak of. The enlightenment of seeing through all the veils at once. Death is the awakening that slices through them simultaneously... yet, I am willing to belief that The Purest Knowing is available right here on earth. May I awaken to find it one day soon.

Blessings to you in this Great Dream that is life....

Candice